...does your dog bite????

[PJ Axelsson]

People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring. ~Rogers Hornsby

I'm convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile. ~Tom Clark

A good cigar is like a beautiful chick with a great body who also knows the American League box scores. ~Klinger


A hot dog at the ballgame beats roast beef at the Ritz. ~Humphrey Bogart

There are three things in my life which I really love: God, my family, and baseball. The only problem - once baseball season starts, I change the order around a bit. ~Al Gallagher, 1971

A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings. ~Earl Wilson

What is both surprising and delightful is that spectators are allowed, and even expected, to join in the vocal part of the game.... There is no reason why the field should not try to put the batsman off his stroke at the critical moment by neatly timed disparagements of his wife's fidelity and his mother's respectability. ~George Bernard Shaw


I see great things in baseball. It's our game - the American game. It will take our people out-of-doors, fill them with oxygen, give them a larger physical stoicism. Tend to relieve us from being a nervous, dyspeptic set. Repair these losses, and be a blessing to us. ~Walt Whitman


When they start the game, they don't yell, "Work ball." They say, "Play ball." ~Willie Stargell, 1981


Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror. ~George Carlin, Brain Droppings, 1997


Back then, my idol was Bugs Bunny, because I saw a cartoon of him playing ball - you know, the one where he plays every position himself with nobody else on the field but him? Now that I think of it, Bugs is still my idol. You have to love a ballplayer like that. ~Nomar Garciaparra


I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it. ~Rogers Hornsby


When you're in a slump, it's almost as if you look out at the field and it's one big glove. ~Vance Law


With those who don't give a damn about baseball, I can only sympathize. I do not resent them. I am even willing to concede that many of them are physically clean, good to their mothers and in favor of world peace. But while the game is on, I can't think of anything to say to them. ~Art Hill

Baseball is the only sport I know that when you're on offense, the other team controls the ball. ~Ken Harrelson, Sports Illustrated, 6 September 1976

Every hitter likes fastballs, just like everybody likes ice cream. But you don't like it when someone's stuffing it into you by the gallon. That's what it feels like when Nolan Ryan's thrown balls by you. ~Reggie Jackson


Strikeouts are boring - besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls. More democratic. ~From the movie Bull Durham

Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field? ~Jim Bouton, 1988


Nolan Ryan is pitching much better now that he has his curve ball straightened out. ~Joe Garagiola

The charm of baseball is that, dull as it may be on the field, it is endlessly fascinating as a rehash. ~Jim Murray


It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. ~A. Bartlett Giamatti, "The Green Fields of the Mind," Yale Alumni Magazine, November 1977


Watching a spring training game is as exciting as watching a tree form its annual ring. ~Jerry Izenberg


The designated hitter rule is like letting someone else take Wilt Chamberlain's free throws. ~Rick Wise, 1974


If a horse can't eat it, I don't want to play on it. ~Dick Allen, on artificial turf, 1970


A ball player's got to be kept hungry to become a big-leaguer. That's why no boy from a rich family ever made the big leagues. ~Joe DiMaggio, quoted in New York Times, 30 April 1961


Baseball is almost the only orderly thing in a very unorderly world. If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can't get you off. ~Bill Veeck


Wives of ballplayers, when they teach their children their prayers, should instruct them how to say: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Babe Ruth. Babe Ruth has upped Daddy's paycheck by fifteen to forty percent." ~Waite Hoyt


Trying to sneak a pitch past Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak a sunrise past a rooster. ~Attributed to both Joe Adcock and Curt Simmons


Baseball is the only place in life where a sacrifice is really appreciated. ~Author Unknown


Ideally, the umpire should combine the integrity of a Supreme Court judge, the physical agility of an acrobat, the endurance of Job and the imperturbability of Buddha. ~"The Villains in Blue," Time magazine, 25 August 1961


I've come to the conclusion that the two most important things in life are good friends and a good bullpen. ~Bob Lemon, 1981


No matter how good you are, you're going to lose one-third of your games. No matter how bad you are you're going to win one-third of your games. It's the other third that makes the difference. ~Tommy Lasorda


You don't save a pitcher for tomorrow. Tomorrow it may rain. ~Leo Durocher, in New York Times, 16 May 1965


You can't sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock. You've got to throw the ball over the goddamn plate and give the other man his chance. That's why baseball is the greatest game of them all. ~Earl Weaver

The pitcher has to find out if the hitter is timid. And if the hitter is timid, he has to remind the hitter he's timid. ~Don Drysdale, quoted in New York Times, 9 July 1979


Baseball, to me, is still the national pastime because it is a summer game. I feel that almost all Americans are summer people, that summer is what they think of when they think of their childhood. I think it stirs up an incredible emotion within people. ~Steve Busby, in Washington Post, 8 July 1974

Every player should be accorded the privilege of at least one season with the Chicago Cubs. That's baseball as it should be played - in God's own sunshine. And that's really living. ~Alvin Dark


Baseball is not necessarily an obsessive-compulsive disorder, like washing your hands 100 times a day, but it's beginning to seem that way. We're reaching the point where you can be a truly dedicated, state-of-the-art fan or you can have a life. Take your pick. ~Thomas Boswell, Washington Post, 13 April 1990


This is a game to be savored, not gulped. There's time to discuss everything between pitches or between innings. ~Bill Veeck

A critic once characterized baseball as six minutes of action crammed into two-and-one-half hours. ~Ray Fitzgerald, in Boston Glove, 1970


I don't know why people like the home run so much. A home run is over as soon as it starts.... The triple is the most exciting play of the game. A triple is like meeting a woman who excites you, spending the evening talking and getting more excited, then taking her home. It drags on and on. You're never sure how it's going to turn out. ~George Foster, 1978

Clouseau: Does yer dewg bite?
Inn Keeper: No
Clouseau: Nice Doggy (bends down to pet a dachshund - it snarls and bites him)
I thought you said yer dewg did not bite!
Inn Keeper: Zat... iz not my dog!

Clouseau: Do you have a REUM?
Inn Keeper: I do not know what a REUM iz!
Clouseau: Zimma
Inn Keeper: Ahhh.. a RRRUUUMMM!
Clouseau: That is what I have been saying you idiot! REUM!

Housekeeper: You've ruined that piano!
Clouseau: What is the price of one piano, compared to the terrible crime that has been committed here
Housekeeper: But that's a priceless Steinway!
Clouseau: Nyot Anymeur.

Clouseau: That man is crahzy!
Nurse: We don't use that word around here,sir
Clouseau: Then what word do yeu use?
Nurse: Now now...
Clouseau: That man is very now now !


Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player. ~Author Unknown


The place was always cold, and I got the feeling that the fans would have enjoyed baseball more if it had been played with a hockey puck. ~Andre Dawson, on Montreal


What we have are good gray ballplayers, playing a good gray game and reading the good gray Wall Street Journal. They have been brainwashed, dry-cleaned and dehydrated!... Wake up the echoes at the Hall of Fame and you will find that baseball's immortals were a rowdy and raucous group of men who would climb down off their plaques and go rampaging through Cooperstown, taking spoils.... Deplore it if you will, but Grover Cleveland Alexander drunk was a better pitcher than Grover Cleveland Alexander sober. ~Bill Veeck, The Hustler's Handbook


The greatest feeling in the world is to win a major league game. The second-greatest feeling is to lose a major league game. ~Chuck Tanner, quoted in The Sporting News, 15 July 1985


You know you're pitching well when the batters look as bad as you do at the plate. ~Duke Snider, 1975


There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither of them work. ~Charlie Lau, 1982


It actually giggles at you as it goes by. ~Rick Monday, on Phil Niekro's knuckleball, quoted in Sports Illustrated, 1 August 1983


The best way to catch a knuckleball is to wait until the ball stops rolling and then pick it up. ~Bob Uecker


[A knuckleball is] a curve ball that doesn't give a damn. ~Jimmy Cannon


Baseball statistics are like a girl in a bikini. They show a lot, but not everything. ~Toby Harrah, 1983

Reading about baseball is a lot more interesting than reading about chess, but you have to wonder: Don't any of these guys ever go fishing? ~Dave Shiflett, quoted in Houston Chronicle, 29 April 1990

Hating the New York Yankees is as American as apple pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax. ~Mike Royko, 1981


Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the house in blackjack. ~Adam Morrow, quoted in Bill Simmons, "Letters from the Nation," 20 October 2003

Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too. ~Greg, age 8


When Steve and I die, we are going to be buried in the same cemetery, 60-feet 6-inches apart. ~Tim McCarver, who caught all of Steve Carlton's games, 1977

Progress always involves risks. You can't steal second base and keep your foot on first. ~Frederick B. Wilcox


Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple. ~Barry Switzer


Confucious say: "Baseball wrong - man with four balls cannot walk." ~Author Unknown


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[modmark46]

These are great, PJ. Some I had heard, but many I hadn't. Reading the quotes from the Pink Panther movies makes me want to go watch them. First time I saw the one with the "does your dog bite"? scene, I LITERALLY fell in to the aisle, I laughed so hard. Those were the days... :)

[Moriarity]

OUTSTANDING PJ on a slow Friday night. :D Bill Veeck, Bob Uecker, Leo the Lip, and MIKE ROYKO!!!. Great stuff. I'd just like to add my favorite from Larry Andersen once of the Houston Astros, "Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?" :D :D :D :D :D (5 stars PJ).

[PJ Axelsson]

Gotta toss in a screwball once in a while... :wink:

[pokerNFL5]

I have heard some of these, but a lot that I havent, I really enjoyed. :)

[DizandMiles]

Great Quotes = thanks for typing them in so carefully =) I saw no typpoes pr bad speling - impresive! Enjoyed them on a dreary sunday am!

[RONALDDOBBS]

Great, PJ, really enjoyed your post. :D

One more comes to mind....When Freddie Patek was asked what it felt like to be the "shortest" player in the Major Leagues, he replied, "it`s a lot better than being the "shortest" player in the Minor Leagues." Thanks, again, PJ. :)

Is there any way that bernie can bronze your post?

[MIKEGILBERT]

PJ, thanks for putting a big smile on my face! :D

[Bunze0]

pj thanx for the story but should have waited in that 2005 league. 6 more months it would have filled. hahaha

[RONALDDOBBS]

"The highlight of my baseball career came in Philadelphia`s Connie Mack Stadium when I saw a fan fall out of the upper deck. When he got up and walked away, the crowd booed."

Bob Uecker