by echo22 » Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:42 pm
Truth Or Consequences, NM
By Rufus Beanball
Spring breeds optimism in the Cactus League as teams prepare for opening day. In most camps that is. Then we have the Divas, training in the Land of Enchantment. Truth or Consequences lies halfway between Albuquerque and El Paso. If not for the name, you probably wouldn't remember much about the place, but the name is oddly prophetic. And GM Jen isn't one to mince words. After talking to the players, I sat down with Jen.
Rufus: As you know I've been doing the Cactus League tour. I recently visited with Franky, JimmyC and just left the Bombers camp. Those teams are coming together nicely. When I arrive in Truth or Consequences it's more like a circus than Spring Training. Is there any baseball going on here?
Jen: Yeah, sometimes. But today I had to let most of my coaching staff go. Fernando Vina's agent is playing hardball.
Rufus: I see. But the lack of discipline I see here astounds me. It's more like Spring Break than Spring Training. I mean Mark Lewis threw up on my shoes.
Jen: I told him not to mix pop rocks with his beer.
Rufus: Steve Scarsone. You recently signed him and he's already declaring himself the Opening Day starting shortstop. I'll quote him. "Mark Grudzielanek"? "Let me tell you he's no ARod." "Mark Freaking Loretta.....well I've got an aunt named Loretta and while she makes a mean apple pie, she damn sure can't hit a curveball." "This job is mine". He sounds quite confident. And he was bragging about his deal. Do you care to elaborate?
Jen: Steve Scarsone sucks. He got a 'make good' contract. His bonus was a $50 gift certificate from Bath & Body Works. He's got about as much of a chance at making this club as Charlie Sheen.
Rufus: Charlie Sheen?
Jen: Yep that jerk. Hey I'm trying to fill the stands for Opening Day so he was going to throw the first pitch. Once Charlie backed out I had to settle for Barry Williams.
Rufus: Who?
Jen: Greg from the Brady Bunch. I was going to have this big Post Game concert too. The Rolling Stones, Radiohead, Elton John, Snoop Dogg and Justin Bieber. Okay just kidding on Justin Bieber. To make a long story short we couldn't get any of them.
Rufus: So no Post Game concert?
Jen: I didn't say that. We got a Spanish Elvis Impersonator and some dude who finished 11th on American Idol a few seasons back. And we got Betty Lou Washington to sing the National Anthem. Betty Lou once sang backup for Milli Vanilli.
Rufus: It sounds so minor league. Kind of like your squad. Most publications are picking the Diva's last in the division.
Jen: Whatever. You try running this club.
Rufus: You sound so disenchanted. You were once the darling of the SOM Circuit and lately your teams have been...well mediocre to put it kindly.
Jen: Kindly? Yep my teams have stunk lately. Everyone is gunning for the Divas now. I can't sneak up on anyone. Want to give me some money? Maybe I could sign Fernando Vina. Or better yet someone that matters. Do you know how much I had to pay Manny? And he's a freaking drama queen.
Rufus: Does that mean you won't be bringing in any free agents? There are some big names out there.
Jen: Maybe if Scarsone agrees to a pay cut. Gotcha! Seriously though the Divas are trying to be fiscally responsible. My coaches were overpaid primadonnas. I plan on bringing in Lloyd Allen as my Pitching Coach and Luis Alvarado as my Hitting Instructor. Actually I might let Scarsone do it. I'm paying that fool you know.
Rufus: Well I have to make it to voovits camp tomorrow, so one last question. What can we look forward too from the Divas this year?
Jen: Let me count the ways....Okay. Lousy pitching. Half-empty stands. D-Rate enertainment. And about 100 losses. Yep that about sums it up. Oh one more thing Rufus...
Rufus: Yes....
Jen: Don't forget to wipe the vomit off your shoes.
Rufus: Right...okay
Jen: Some Pop Rocks for the road?
Rufus: No thanks.....